Yours sincerely

Amidst Ramadan I found myself struggling in the battlefield of my own heart. I was questioning myself a lot these days about how sincere my heart really is especially towards Him. I keep reflecting myself to ensure if my heart is in the state of humility to humble myself. If I could probe my state of heart in order to examine how it is, I would do it! For the beginning, before I start to do something, I asked myself frequently if I do this because of my love to Him or for the sake of praises from human beings just to make my right intention in check. I probed my heart carefully this time around. I don't want to let my pure intention become tarnish due to my own arrogance. I read a page of hadith that stated about sincerity.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

"Verily, the first people to be judged on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who was martyred. He will be brought, the blessings of Allah will be made known, and he will acknowledge them. Allah will say: What did you do about them? The man will say: I fought in your cause until I was martyred. Allah will say: You have lied, for you fought only that it would be said you were brave, and thus it was said. Then, Allah will order him to be dragged upon his face until he is cast into Hellfire. Another man studied religious knowledge, taught others, and recited the Qur’ān. He will be brought, the blessings of Allah will be made known and he will acknowledge them. Allah will say: What did you do about them? The man will say: I learned religious knowledge, taught others, and I recited the Qur’ān for your sake. Allah will say: You have lied, for you studied only that it would be said you are a scholar and you recited the Qur’ān only that it would be said you are a reciter, and thus it was said. Then, Allah will order him to be dragged upon his face until he is cast into Hellfire. Another man was given an abundance of blessings from Allah and every kind of wealth. He will be brought, the blessings of Allah will be made known and he will acknowledge them. Allah will say: What did you do about them? The man will say: I did not leave any good cause beloved to you but that I spent on it for your sake. Allah will say: You have lied, for you spent only that it would be said you are generous, and thus it was said. Then, Allah will order him to be dragged upon his face until he is cast into Hellfire." (Sunan at-Tirmidhi, hadith no. 2382)

It scares me. I'm truly afraid if without realizing my heart is actually darken and wanting to be praised in the eyes of people. That is terrifying, really! One day, I asked my ustadha regarding this matter. How do we really be sincere with Allah? She said, "firstly, ask Allah to make our heart to be sincere. Secondly, divert any distractions and focus engaging in Allah during ibadah." Truthfully, I am very afraid if I become unaware about my heart condition. It feels like loving someone but do not giving our whole heart towards them. How does it really feel? I reflected upon it so deeply I try by putting it the way if we love somebody but we are not sincere enough to them. We utter into words how much we love our loved ones but it doesn't allign with what we really feel inside our heart. How does it feels to love with half-heartedly? To love, we must have a sincere heart to commit it. To have a sincere heart, we must love wholeheartedly. I guess that's how it is. But if you have a better methodology, do tell me, ok?

May Allah protect our hearts by making it sincere and beloved to Him. Ameen!